A Kiwi ( New Zealander ) walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."  His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

 

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "OK Do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black". "Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black". "Oh," says the midwife, "it's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair". "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy." "Oh," the midwife repeats, "it's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes". "Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"
 

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker, and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper, what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea? A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

 

A couple that had been married for 20 years, every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she suddenly turned on the lights. She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real  one". She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."

 

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumoured, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £200? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."  The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with £200."

 

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse... alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought back to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb-assed horse. For the last time... BRING POSS.....EEEE!!!!"

 

 

Radio stations routinely pay money to people so that they will tell their most embarrassing stories on the air. Here is what is believed to be a story of a "lucky" winner of one of these contests: I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynaecologist, when early one morning I received a call from his office saying that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said, "My... we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mum... where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
 

 

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the wanking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!" The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold." "Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!" "Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time." The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!' This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!" "You sick bastard," replied the cop. "Do you remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?" "Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!" "Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"
 

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough. Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is travelling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat. Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks on, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside. So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of poo, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable. He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head. Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand. "What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie. The huge Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Ladies you dirty bastard."
 

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore thinking "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him." It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch." You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich." A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch." The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Some pussy is probably in danger.
 

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!" Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Nectar points". So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the sample. He pours it into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks". That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good  measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the  results. The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better
Thank you for shopping at Tesco.

 

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes."Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"  "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"  "Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"
 

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives  it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one: "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but to be hung like a black man is beyond me."
 

Bob goes on a blind date with this Canadian chick named Cindy. Later, after dinner and a movie, Cindy invites Bob up to her apartment to fool around. She reclines on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "Stick a finger in me." Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Stick in the other three."
Once again, Bob obliges. Then Cindy says, "Just go ahead and shove your whole hand in there." So Bob eases his hand into Cindy, who then says, "Now shove in your other hand." Bob does so, and Cindy says, "Now CLAP!" Bob tries, but nothing doing. "I can't!" he says. Cindy looks at him with a smile and says, "Pretty tight, eh?"
 

This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try. She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of lime juice. She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later. First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth. Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's. After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his
mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the colour of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess. With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks,
"Why did you give me such a God-awful combination?" She whispers in his ear.... "It's called Blowjob revenge"
 

 

Three golfers, Bob, Max, and Ted, are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday.  "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But, I may be about ten
minutes late, so wait for me." The following Saturday, all four golfers again show up on time,
but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says, "See you next Saturday. But, I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Every week from then on, George is right on time and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time and then you beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?" "Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in
the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed, and if she's on her right side, I play right-handed." "So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks. "Then I'm about ten minutes late."
 

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a Nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the Nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!" The nun was slightly taken aback and  replied, "I see your point my son and I apologise if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..." "Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?" "Of course not!" gasped the Nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."  "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout Nun to some kind of evil degenerate?" "Well, I really don't know ...."  "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person." "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me." "Well let's go inside and settle this" "No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it." "You're on!" said the guy. The Nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please" The bartender sighed and said, "Is that fucking Nun out there again!"
 

Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill Repute. They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.
The Madame says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them. The lesbians make the demand again,
"We want the youngest girl here!" The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers."
 

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, "You have crabs". She informed the doctor that it could not be crabs because she was an eighty-year-old virgin. She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, "You probably have crabs." "No" she said, "I am an eighty year old virgin." Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, "Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it's crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can't be crabs." The doctor said, Jump on the table and let's have a look." After examining her the doctor proclaimed, "Ma'am, you're right, you don't have crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies."
 

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath
to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you."
 

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo- geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Hey, congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot! "No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest Office Robot from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her" So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming..."Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Oooh! Aaaah! Eeeaaargghhh!" The guy says, "Shit! Perhaps I should have told him that her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
 

Essex girl speeding along when she gets pulled over by a cop. The cop gets out of his car and asks her for her license and he asks if she has been drinking and she replies "No".  So he radios the station and asks what to do. The cop at the station says "Is she a blonde?" and the cop replies "Yes". So the other cop says "What you do is tell her to get out of the car and pull out your penis as you walk up to her". So the cop walks back to her car and says. " Get out of the car please". As she gets out of the car the cop whips it out. She "sighs" and says "please not another breathalyzer test".
 

This bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and cat. They all sit down at a table and the man goes to the bar  and says, "A pint of Bitter for myself, a Gin & Tonic for the ostrich and a Scotch for the cat." The Barman is a little perplexed but serves the drinks anyway. Sometime later the ostrich goes to the bar and says, "A Gin & Tonic for myself, a pint of bitter for the guv'nor and a whisky for the cat." The barman is even more bemused but still serves the drinks. This goes on all evening with the man and the ostrich alternately buying rounds of drinks, but the cat never does. By the end of the evening the barman asks the man, "Look, please tell me why do you have an ostrich and a cat? And how come the cat never buys a round?" "Well it's quite a story," says the man. "I was walking down the road one day when I found a bottle. I uncorked this bottle and a Genie came out and said, 'Thank you for releasing me, oh Master, what is your heart's desire? Tell me and it shall be yours.' "So I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss." The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part." Johnny replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute." The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant. So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner." The teacher passed out.

 

A woman is in her doctors office and suddenly shouts, "Doctor, kiss me!" The doctor looks at her and says, "I'm sorry, but it would be against my code of ethics to kiss you." Twenty minutes later the woman shouts again, "Doctor, please kiss me!" Again he refuses, apologetically, and says, "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you." Finally after another fifteen minutes the woman pleads with the doctor again, "Please, please kiss me, just once!" "Look," he says. "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you, in fact I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

A man went to visit his grandparents and arrived to find his grandpa sitting on the front porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, why are you sitting out here with no pants on?" The old man looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!
 

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."  One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"  "Didn't feel a thing!"

Three old ladies sitting on a park bench. Along comes the flasher. He gives the three old ladies an almighty flash. Two old ladies had a stroke and the third one could not reach.

 

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the fuck happened!"
 

A white man noticed the impressive length of the black man's penis at the adjacent urinal. "I wish I had one like yours." he said. The black man replied, "You can, just tie a string around it and hang a weight on the end of the string. Put the weight down your pant leg and you can have one just like mine." The white man thanked him for the suggestion and left. Some weeks later, they met again in the toilet. The black man asked how it was going. "Great, I'm half way there!" "Really?" said the black man. "Yea, It's turning black!"
 

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl.  "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F**k," the rottweiler ate him!"
 

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
 

A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor re-examined them and upon completion he advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them £15. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £30, The Hilton charges £40, so we do it here for £15 and I get £14 back from HSA.
 

This happened at a major Australian University During a biology lecture a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - As she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."

Mike and Steve are talking about their respective weekends when the subject of picking up ladies pops up. "I must say I'm doing fine in that department," says Mike. "This weekend I hooked up with that new secretary Jenny Smith." "Jenny Smith!" Steve exclaims, "What happened?" "Let's just say I got lucky." "I've heard about Jenny," Steve says, "and I wouldn't call it 'lucky.'" "I would," Mike says smugly. "In that case," Steve replies, "you're the luckiest guy with herpes I know."

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up on an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me in the eye!" "I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?" "Well, I thought she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."
 

A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.
He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," he thinks. The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits. Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied.  "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
 

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' And so, here we are!"

A little girl asks her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Her Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.  "Go and ask your father. I think he is in the garage."  The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come and ask you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog.  Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"  The little girl said,  She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Chap in pet shop, buys a hamster for his son’s birthday. Later it dies & he returns it, & complains. Assistant recommends he makes jam with it. He does so, but it tastes so vile that he throws it onto his garden. Months later, there are rows & rows of daffodils. Returns to shop & demands explanation. Are you sure you’ve go daffodils? Certainly!. That’s strange, because we usually get tulips from hamster jam.

 

Big tough cowboy rides into town, ties his horse outside saloon and goes in for a red eye. After, he returns to find his horse has gone. He goes back in, orders another red eye, and warns everybody that if

his horse isn’t back by time he finishes his drink, the same thing’ll happen here that happened in Dodge City. While drinking, a chap nervously gets up & goes outside. Cowboy thinks it’s O.K. now so swaggers towards swing doors, but before he gets there, everybody crowds round him & frantically asks, what happened in Dodge City? Oh, I had to bloody walk home. 

 

Penberthy on way to Wembley to see Cup Final. He gets as far as Trafalgar Square, but is lost from there. He asks a Copper, the way. Copper recognised his accent and decided to take the piss a bit: Go up that street, turn left & left again. He does so & returns to the Copper. I s’pose you think that’s f…… funny? Alright, I was just having a bit of fun. I’ll tell you how to get to Wembley if you’ll answer me one question: I have a hobby of studying gravestones, and each time I’ve been to Cornwall, I’ve always been able to find male graves, but not female ones. What do you do with your female dead? Well, replies Penberthy, when they die, we lay them naked on the bench in the mortuary, cut their cunts out &  soak  them in vinegar for a few days until they are nice & supple. Then we stretch them to a length of about 6ft, dress them in blue and stand them in Trafalgar square.

 

Man goes into doctor’s and tells receptionist he has shingles. She tells him to wait a couple of minutes, then sends him into Doctor. He examines him including putting his finger up his ass, before telling him he’s fine & questions why he thinks he has shingles. Chap replies he’s got a bloody great lorry full outside & wants to know where to put them.

 

Paki working on building site, and complains to Foreman about being called a wog. He’s told not to worry as everyone there has a nickname e.g. Mick on bulldozer is from southern Ireland, Mack on cement mixer is from Scotland, Paddy digging  is from Northern Ireland. Wack on the crane is from Liverpool. I don’t care replies Paki, I don’t like being called a wog. Foreman sighs & turns to the others & tells them, Mick, Mack, Paddy Wack, leave the wog alone.

 

President Robert Mugabe was asked about what he’s going to do about tightening defence, in view of all the civil unrest. He replied that the man widda nails is a comin round in da mornin da fixit.

 

Three pieces of string in a pub. One walks up to bar & orders a lager. Barman refuses because he’s just a piece of string. Second does same with same reply. Third has a knot in middle and fraid at both ends. He asks for a lager, & barman refuses because he’s also just a piece of string. No, he replies, I’m afraid not. 

 

Man walking down hot dusty American street in 1940’s. Cat suddenly appears & bites his leg.  Later in surgery, he’s being examined by Dr when suddenly a cat jumps in through open window. Victim exclaims, it’s that Cat! Dr replies, Pardon me boy, is that the cat you knew that chewed you? 

 

What would Elvis Presley be doing today if he was alive? Scratching his coffin trying to get out.

 

Eng Taffy & Scot in desert with no food except a pork pie. They decide  that who has best dream gets the pork pie. Scot dreams of being lost in highlands & seeing pub with as much free whisky as he wants. Taffy dreams of trying to fish, couldn’t catch a thing for hours & moved to different location & caught masses of trout. Eng says he dreamt he was starving, so he woke up & ate the pie.

 

Handel, Motzart & Beethoven having a three course meal & start with soup. They are given 4 rolls, so Handel says there’s a roll over Beethoven.

 

Father teaching his son to cross road safely. One day he decides to test him. Son replies, I look right, left, right again, & if all clear, walk across. What if something’s coming? I get run over.    

 

Chap goes to fancy dress party, with a girl on his back. When he’s asked, he replies a tortoise, because she’s Michelle

 

What do you call a one eyed dinosaur? Jathinkysaurus?

 

Two sisters, one blond & one brunette, inherit the family farm. After a few years they’re in financial trouble, so they decide they have to buy a bull to breed their own stock. They’re down to their last

£300 & discover there’s a Welsh farm where there’s a prize bull going for sale. Before leaving, brunette tells her sister that if she decides to buy, she’ll contact her to bring out the truck to bring it home. She arrives, inspects it & decides to buy it. Farmer wants £295 for it. She pays up & then drives into town ring her sister, but has to pay for petrol, leaving only 20p left. Phone is out of order, so only alternative is a fax. She only has enough money for 5 seconds, so can only send one word - Comfortable.

 

Woman goes to doctor’s complaining that her husband keeps coming to bed & nibbling her ears, making them sore. Dr. tells her to put gorgonzola cheese behind them. She does this & returns a week later, saying that it worked, but now he comes to bed with a jar of pickles.

 

Two chaps outside Heathrow fence. One tells other that Concorde over there flies on pure vodka. They break in & sample some. Next morning one rings his mate to ask how he feels. Oh, not too bad, bit of a headache/hangover but O.K. Other if his arms feel funny & does his nose dip? Well, replies other, don’t whatever you do fart, because I did. Where are you speaking from? New York.  

 

Man in a pub & orders a pint of Whitbread. Barman pouring it while he goes to gents. On his return, he finds half has gone. He asks barman who tells him the coloured woman in corner, came over in his absence, farted & blew half away. Surprised, he goes over to her & asks, You fart in my Whitbread? No, I’m Tessa Sanderson.

 

What is small, green & goes camping? A boy sprout.

 

Chap in a chippy ask for “Back to the Future”. Assistant tells him this is a chippy, & videos are sold down the road. Few days later he returns asking for Batman. Look, I told you this is a chippy & videos sold  down road. Few days later he comes back - small portion of chips please. That’s right says assistant, & wrapping them asks, anything else sir, Yea, a fish called Wanda.

 

Snail in car showroom wants the fastest car but it must be an S reg. Salesman arranges this & when snail returns, asks him if S stood for snail? No, when I go to France to visit my relatives, I’m bombing down motorway overtaking everyone & I want them to exclaim, God, look at that S car go!

 

Driver doing 60mph on motorway, gets overtaken by 4 legged chicken. Annoyed, he increases to 80mph. Another one overtakes him. 100mph & still he’s passed. Reaching 130mph, he gives up & manages to follow one off the motorway & eventually up a lane where it disappears through a farm gate. Farmer is sitting on it. Driver asks him if they’re his. He nods. What do you do with them? I breed them cos I like a leg, missus likes one as do each of my children. What do they taste like? Don’t know, I haven’t caught one yet.

 

Bobby Robson asks   ??? what his new year’s ambition is. It’s  for  ?????  to stay in Premiership. ?? then asks Bobby for his: To win Premiership, FA Cup, Worthington Cup, & get Manager of Year. That’s a bit much replies ???. Well, says Bobby, you started it.

    

I can tell a joke in Bath & it’s O.K., but in Bristol they won’t laugh - they can’t hear.

 

Bath C. manager in supermarket, sees a little old lady struggling with her shopping bags. Can you manage? he offers. No, she replied, you got yourself in the mess, you get  yourself out of it.

 

What do you call a woman balancing three pints of beer on her head? Beer trick

 

Aeroplane in trouble & needs to get rid of excess weight, so some passengers have to parachute out. Frenchman shouts Viv la France & out, etc. Eventually Eng man shouts God save the Queen, & pushes the Yank out. 

 

Bath City manager at wits end. Got a speeding fine as he was so desperate for three points.

 

Head of Planning asked three contractors to quote for a new fountain. Birmingham builder quoted £2000: £2000 materials, £2000 labour & £2000 for contractor. Basingstoke contractor quoted £12000: £4000 materials, £4000 labour & £4000 for self. Leeds contractor quoted £18000: £6000 for Planning Officer, £6000 for self & give the job to the Brummie. 

 

Eng, Irish & Scot in pub. They all suffer from severe stutter. Barmaid asks what they want.  Th Th Th Three  pi pi pi pi……….. says Eng man. Threeee   pi pi pints o o of of gui gui gui…………… says Irishman. Scot says Th Th Th Th Th……………. Barmaid loses her patience & goes to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later asking if they are ready yet?  Off they go again! Look, she says, I love a bet. If anyone of you can answer a question without stuttering, I’ll go to bed with you.

Where do you live? she asks Eng man. M M M  Man Man Man Mach, Manch Manch……….

Where you live Scotty?  E E  Edi Edin Edin Edin………………………

Paddy, where do you live? London, he blurts out. She reluctantly takes him to bed. Just before he climaxes, he screams out, D D D DERRY!  

 

Two chaps with bad stutters in pub. They decide to take the piss out of a bald chap. One asks hi, Howww

muuccch iiissss aaa hhhaaaaiiircccuttt? Reply: Not so much as your local telephone calls.

 

Three chaps with bad stutters go to buy cigarettes. First- Ppppaacckkkettt oofffEeeeeemmmbbbbaaaassssyy. Served O.K.  Second: Rrrrroooothmannnss  Kkkkiiinngggg Sssiiiizeee. Served O.K.

Third: Tttwweentttyyy Nnuubbbbeerr  Sssiiixx! Filter?  Bbaaasstttteeerreedd!!

 

NIHIL ILLEGITEMI CARBORUNDUM - Don’t let the bastards grind you down

 

Nelson Mandela at home watching TV. Knock at door & little Japanese boy with clipboard yelling - You sign, you sign! Behind him is great truck full of car exhausts. You sign, you sign! he repeats. Nelson explains he’s got wrong man & shuts door. Next day the same, but with truck load of break pads. Irritated, Nelson explains & shuts door again. Third day, the same - You sign, you sign! Two huge trucks of car parts. Nelson picks him up & yells you’ve got wrong man, who should these be for?!! Little boy replies, You not Nissan Main Dealer?

 

Boss told applicant there was a vacancy for a responsible worker. Are you? Certainly am sir, whenever anything went wrong with any job I’ve had, they always said I was responsible.

 

Jethro enters his horse at Newton Abbot. Tells jockey that approaching every fence you gotta say, one, two three, jump! Jockey thinks he’s taking piss. Race starts & horse goes straight through first two fences. Jockey is shocked, & remembers what Jethro told him. From third fence, he does as told & it sails over each one. Comes second & explains to Jethro that he did as told after second fence, & thought horse was deaf. It isn’t deaf, it’s blind! 

 

Jump-lead walks into a bar. Barman says, I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.

 

Man walks into a bar & cried ouch! It was an iron bar.

 

Man to Doctor, I can’t stop singing, Green grass of home. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It’s not unusual.

 

Two cows standing next to each other in field. Daisy to Dolly, I was artificially inseminated this morning. I don’t believe you replied  Dolly. It’s true, straight up, no bull.

 

Guy goes to psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. Shrink says, well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.

 

Two hydrogen atoms in a bar. One says, I think I’ve lost an electron. Other replies, Are you sure? Yes, I’m positive.

 

Answerphone message – If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.

 

Deja-Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bullshit before.

 

Man takes Rottweiler to Vet. My dog’s cross eyed. Is there anything you can do? He picks him up, examines his eyes & says, I’ll have to put him down. Why? Because he’s really heavy.

 

I went to Butchers & bet him £50 he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf. He declined, saying, the steaks were too high.

 

Man came around in hospital after serious accident & shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs. Doctor replied, I know, I’ve cut your arms off. 

 

Fundraiser targeted the fat cat: I know you earn  nearly £1M a  year, yet our records show you giving nothing to charity. FC: Did your research discover my mother is terminally ill & that her medical bills far exceed her income? Did you learn that my brother is blind & unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident, leaving her penniless but with four children? I had no idea replied shame faced fundraiser. So, replied FC, If I don’t help them, why would I give anything to you?

 

My boyfriend’s got everything a woman could want. A soft skin, good figure & soft voice.  THINK  Queer

 

Train stops after bumpy bit of track. Woman asks why. We’ve just hit a cow,  replies conductor. Was it on the tracks. No madam, we actually had to chase it across the field.

 

Why was the barmaid hot? So the blacksmith could bend it.

 

David Beckham grows older & many years ahead is playing Sunday morning football for his local team – the same one his son Romeo plays for. First match that they play in same team. In changing room before game, Dad puts on 7 shirt. Romeo asks what’s he going to wear as he usually wears 7. David replies, Romeo, Romeo, wear four out there Romeo.

 

Dave had terrible accident at work which resulted in his ears being amputated. He settled with company for a large sum of damages & with it created his own computer company. He then needed to get a manager for it & held interviews. First was very impressive & Dave then asked if he noticed anything different about him. You have no ears, he replied. Dave got angry & threw him out. Second was a woman who was even better, but again he asked if she noticed anything different about him. You have no ears. Again he got angry & rejected her. Third was a young man, just graduated, good looking & appeared to be a best candidate. Again, Dave asked him if he noticed anything different. You wear contact lenses, he replied. That’s incredible, how did you know that! Well, you can’t wear glasses as you’ve got no ears.

 

A native came out of the jungle with a python in one hand & a very small tribesman in the other. When he meets his wife, she exclaims, Oh no, not snake & pygmy pie again.

 

All elephants down at their local disco for special elephant night. A rhino decides to go for a night out so he goes along, not knowing it was an elephant night. Once inside, he realizes his mistake but stays for a drink before returning home.  At the bar he gets chatting to elegant lady elephant & eventually asks her for a dance. She asked him his name & replies Neil. Overcome by shock of  that, she drops to the floor.  All her elephant friends gather around & ask what’s the matter. She replies, I’ve just met Rhino Neil

 

American Congressman touring campaigning for votes, & discovers there is an Indian Reservation nearby, so he goes there to try to increase support. He told them: Vote for me & I promise you hot & cold running water throughout your reservation. Indian crowd murmer Goomwah. Encouraged, he continues, vote for me & I promise you a paved road all the way to Tucson. They shout Goomwah! Goomwah! His confidence increases – vote for me & I promise you  cable television throughout your village. Goomwah! Goomwah! Goomwah! they reply. Congressman was delighted & even more when the Chief took him aside & presented him with a pony & said, we’ve never heard anything like that before. Now be careful you don’t step in any of the goomwah.  

 

Teacher: Tommy, If I lay two eggs on the table, & one on the chair, how many will I have altogether?

Tommy: Personally, Miss, I don’t think you can do it

 

Patient: Doctor, help me, I just can’t stop nicking things

Doctor: Take these pills four times daily for next three weeks

Patient: What if they don’t work?!

Doctor: I’ll have one of those flat screen televisions please

 

During 2nd WW, Irish forces entrenched about 50 yards from German front line. Paddy gets idea to shot them by shouting, HANS! German poked his head out & shouted, Ja?  BANG! Paddy shot him dead. Heth & begorrah, how clever I am, he thinks. Again, HANS! Ja, vot iz it? BANG! Paddy continues this going down the trench. Soon, German officer gets wise & asks his men, Vot iz ze most common name for ze Irish svine?

Tommy? – Zat iz not zo

Mac? – Nein

Paddy?  Zat iz ze name! Officer shouts out, PADDY! No reply, so again, PADDY! Still no reply, so he cups his hands, PADDY, ARE YOU THERE?! A voice replies, Iz dat you Hans? Ja! – BANG!

 

Once upon a time, there were two neighbouring states. One ruled by a black Count nasty & wicked, the other by a white Count an incredibly rich pacifist. Black one is short of money so he invades his neighbour’s state to confiscates his wealth. White one hasn’t got an army, so he’s easily overrun & imprisoned by the black one. White one refuses to say where his wealth is hidden. After a few days, black one loses temper & orders his execution. Executioner lifts his axe & white agrees to tell, but it was too late, his head came off. This proves that you shouldn’t hatch your counts before they chicken.  

 

Mummy, mummy, Daddy’s gone out again. Well, pour some more oil on the fire

 

In a small village deep in the welsh valleys, lived three friends, each named Evans. Baker was Evans the bread, Milkman was Evans the milk, the crossing keeper was level Evans. One night level Evans was involved in a pub brawl & later faced a murder charge in Cardiff. On day of trial, Evans the milk had to work, so Evans the bread promised to bring him the verdict. Level Evans was acquitted, so Evans the bread set off to tell Evans the milk who was having a bath, so he come to the door naked. They’re not hanging level Evans! cried the baker. They’re not fucking meant to boyo, replied the milkman.

 

Two golfers playing together for 19 years, not knowing what either did for a living. As they tee off one week, one decides to ask. He replies, he’s a professional assassin, but his friend doesn’t believe him, so after the game,  he shows him his stunning collection of guns in the boot of his car. Friend  takes out a rifle with telescopic sights, focuses on his house nearby, & sees his wife in bed with his best friend. I could kill her, he rages. I could do that for £1000, his friend says, & for a further £1000, he offers to kill his best friend. He agrees, & assassin asks him where he would like them shot. Wife has been nagging him for 5 years of their marriage, so he wants her shot in the mouth & wants his friend shot in the max walls for doing it. Assassin takes aim & says, I could save you £1000 here.

 

Doctor, after the operation, will I be able to play the piano? Yes, of course. Oh good, I never could before

 

What is alimony? The high cost of leaving

 

Pirate 1: How much did those earrings cost?

Pirate 2: 2 dollars

Pirate 1: Not bad for a buccaneer

 

Why don’t cats shave? Because 8 out of 10 cat owners (who expressed a preference) said they preferred whiskas

 

So it came to pass, that after many years of stunning success, Bill Gates dies & summoned to God. Bill had had precious little idea of him, as it had never concerned him much. He sighs, Oh Bill, I am in a great dilemma. I do not know if you have done evil or good, since you invented a monster called Windows, & yet you have made life easier for many. I will thus allow you to choose Heaven or Hell. Bill replies, Lord, I have never thought about it. So God allows him to see both & choose. Bill went to Heaven & saw choirs of angels singing & thought what a drag, so he went down to Hell. There, a white sandy beach opened up to his vision, with clear blue waters, shady palms & beautiful nymphs playing amidst the waves. So he requested to be sent to Hell. A year later, God was walking through the eternal spheres & found Bill chained to a flogging post, under a relentless sun, with blood & sweat dripping from his brow, & asked Bill, how’s it going? Badly, Lord, whatever happened to the sandy beach, shady palms, blue waters & nymphs? God replied, AAaaahhh…….the screen saver!

 

Impotence – emission impossible

 

Imagine a tower of flats, now concentrate on them.  Now you’ve got a mental block

 

A neurotic is someone who builds castles in the air

A psychotic is someone who lives in them

A psychiatrist is someone who collects the rent

 

Waiter, this egg is bad. Don’t blame me, I only lay the tables

 

Biological Unlimited Grease Grind Effluent Remover – if Daz don’t whiten it, & Ariel don’t whiten it, bugger it

 

Tony Blair & George Bush have re-recorded an old hit “All we are saying, is give war a chance”

 

Why’s T.B. always in the shit? Because he spends so much time up George Bush’s ass. GB now stands for George’s Britain

 

Mick in court charged with double murder, one of beating his wife to death with hammer. A voice at back of court yells, Bastard! Judge continued – you are also charge with beating your daughter to death with a hammer. Again, a voice yells, you f****** Bastard! Judge spots him – Paddy, I can understand your anger & frustration, but I will not have any more of these outbursts, or I’ll have you for contempt of court. Now what is the problem? Paddy replies, for 15 years I’ve lived next door to that bastard, & every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one.

 

That agreement’s got more strings attached than the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra 

 

Mummy, mummy, I don’t want to go to work today. The receptionist doesn’t like me, the typists hate me,

the staff don’t speak to me & even the  cleaners avoid me. But son, you have to go. Why? Because you’re

the Chairman of  the company.

 

If people don’t agree with me, I have an opinion pole. Then, if someone still doesn’t agree with me, I hit them with it.

 

She: Mother thinks you’re effeminate

He: Well, perhaps compared to her, perhaps I  am

 

According to reports, Bin Laden has been captured by freedom fighters in the Afghan hills. George Bush has been told & offered them $60 million for his capture. Chelsea have bid $70 million.

 

David Blaine’s discovered his 44 days in a box beside Tower Bridge won’t create a new record after all. The longest time anyone has spent in a box doing nothing is 4 years – Emile Heskey.

 

Two tall trees growing in wood. Small one takes root between them. Tall one says to other, is that a son of a beech or son of a birch? A woodpecker says he’ll help them find our & takes a peck at the small tree. He replies: It is neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch. That, dear trees, is the best piece of ash, I have ever put my pecker in.

Two Arab men sitting in the Gaza strip. The first Arab takes out his wallet and shows a photo to the second Arab.
"This is a photo of my son, he is a martyr", he says.
He then takes out another photo and shows that to the second Arab.
"This is my other son, he too is a martyr", he says .
The second Arab looks thoughtful then says,
"Yes, they blow up so fast nowadays".

Did you hear of the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work. He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

Tiger Woods taking a break from golf, driving his new BMW into Irish petrol station. Attendant greets him not knowing who he is: Top o’ the morning to ya. Tiger gets out & two tees fall out of his pocket. What are those thing for son? asks attendant. They’re called tees & I rest my balls on them while I’m driving. Aw, Jaysus, Mary & Joseph? Exclaims attendant, dose fellas at BMW tink o’ everything.

 

Mummy, mummy, why are your hands so soft? Because I’m only 12 dear. Hands  that do dishes……….

 

Lester Piggott had to be turned around with a bag over his head before they could get him into the cell

 

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