HOW  TO  GIVE  A  CAT  A  PILL

 

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger & thumbs on either side of cat’s mouth, & gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth & swallow.

 

Retrieve pill from floor & cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm & repeat process.

 

Retrieve cat from bed room & throw away soggy pill. Take a new pill, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open & push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.

Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl & cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor

with cat wedged firmly between kneels, hold front & rear paws. Ignore growls. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler & rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill. Make note not to buy new ruler & repair curtains. Wrap cat in large towel & get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil & blow down drinking straw. Check label to ensure pill is not harmful to humans & drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouse’s arm & clean blood from carpet.

Retrieve cat from neighbour’s garden shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard & close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver & replace cupboard door. Apply cold compress to cheek & check records for date of last tetanus jab.

Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologise to neighbour who swerved into fence while trying to avoid cat. Take last pill from wrapper.

Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws & bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from the shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically & pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Get spouse to drive you to casualty. Sit quietly while the doctor stitches fingers & forearm & removes pill remnants from right eye.

Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat. Ring pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL - wrap it in bacon.

​

                                         ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

​

HOW TO CLEAN YOUR TOILET:  

              
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually having fun and enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".
6. After things quiet down under the lid, have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 
7. Place a throw rug in front of the toilet for traction and excess water, stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely, The Dog

​

                                     ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

​

How Smart Is Your Dog?

 

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.  One was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Computer Tech and the fifth was a Civil Servant. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff".  T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.  Everyone agreed that it was pretty incredible. But the Accountant said that his dog could do better.  He called to his dog and commanded, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff".  Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen biscuits.  He divided them into four equal piles of three biscuits each.  Everyone agreed that that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better.  He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff".  Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a litre of milk, got a pint glass from the cupboard and poured exactly a pint without spilling a drop.  Everyone agreed that it was more than a little impressive. The Computer Tech knew that he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have at it".  Hard Drive crossed the room and booted up the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an e-mail and installed a cool new game.  Everyone knew that it was a tough act to follow. Then the four men turned to the Civil Servant and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Civil Servant called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff boy".  Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, erased all of the files on the computer, sexually assaulted the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for a six month sick leave.

​

                                        ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

DOG CALLED............. SEX

​

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honour, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

​

​